Wow... I just came home from a Woman's Bible Study today. It sent me on on a trip down memory lane and thinking about all the stuff I've prayed about in my past. To help visually jog my memory I searched all my archives (because I started this blog one year ago this month). Wow the journey has been a long hard one. I'm a different person now than I was just one short year ago. Am I a better person? I don't know. I know I'm closer to God and that is GREAT... but I have had a hard time finding my joy in the last year... actually several years to be honest. God does bring joy... I know that is what your thinking.. but he also does what is best for us. All things happen for a reason.
So lets just recap in bullet point some of the things I've experienced this year (some of these things may come as a shock to you.. because I generally NEVER post anything negative on my Clementhyme blog.. I have another blog where I Journal only.. and the true thoughts and feelings pour out over there... my Clementhyme blog is for happy things only, although that may soon change, I have nothing to hide! I've imported one set of blogs from yahoo... I may do the same with my word-press blog.. time will tell)
So here is a true recap from May 2007 - May 2008
- May 2007 my marriage was broken and actually dead already (had been for years)
- I dove into the world of crafts to keep my attention on positive flows and I enjoyed that so much, but material things only keep one occupied for a short period of time
- I took short daily expeditions with my 2 sons and had fun
- Struggled with a deep depression and let down many of my friends
- I became a Swap Hostess addict.. I loved swapping and making books
- I lost a ton of weight only to gradually gain it all back
- Finished the remodeling project on my home and finally completed my work office.. which was the best in the world
- I created a craft room
- 2007 was the year of forging friendships for me and so far in 2008 those friends still remain as my small inner circle
- I went through court cases for Domestic Violence and got a divorce.
- Christmas was spent with my son, mom and 2 best friends. I cried most of the holidays away and we didn't celebrate in any fashion other than giving my son a few gifts.
- Had a typically horrible Valentines day.. the past 9 valentines day's are a days spent in bed crying for me and 2008 was no different. (for 2 reasons, and self pity is not on the list)
- Started attending a new church and came closer to God
- Had Nasal Surgery in March.
- I put my home up on the market and said I'd move out of my home.
- So I moved out of town.. the house I was going to move into didn't come available as soon as I had hoped.
- I stayed at someone else's house. The pressure of moving too quickly and invading space along with my security net gone and me not having anything to occupy my time... because all my belongings where packed away... ruined a promising relationship and this haunts me still.
- A phone call from a long time friend... lets call them 007 for fun... came but I took the right path and didn't revisit any past memories.
- Finally I'm in my new home and struggling with some deep issues at hand. Stress from the hurt have brought my stomach issues back and I have haunting thoughts from some harsh words and treatment that I can't shake. I actually think this hurt is the worst I've ever experienced, because it came so sudden and so strongly...
- Right now... if I had the financial backing.. I'd pack everything and move.. leave everything and everyone I know behind.. why? Because when faced with issues I tend to fade away into the background.
- I'm really battling some things inside. Do I continue going to some places I currently go, or do I move onto someplace new?
- I've lost faith in people, honesty, promises and most of all faith in myself.
So there it is.. all neat and tidy..... am I in a better place? That is for God to know and me to find out.
I can't keep harping on the negative. I must remove myself from all that God tells me to do. (as I learned in Bible Study today; read 2 Timothy 3: 1-5).
I must have faith in God and forge forward with a more positive spirit knowing and trusting that these hard times are here for a reason and I'm on my journey to a better place.
I must also learn to trust the words God sends to me, and not brush them aside... because its not what I want to hear. When I know something.. I need to face the facts that I know what to do and what is going to happen. I need to proceed with acting accordingly.. even if I happen to not give my stamp of approval. Knowing still bothers me.. deeply. I need to come to terms with it all.
Why was I lead to share these things with you today?
James 5: 16: Confess your sins to each other and pray for each other so God can heal you. When a believing person prays, great things happen.
- With Sincerity,
Your Sweet Clementhyme
